Let’s say someone, it doesn’t matter who, isn’t all too interested in what you have to say or doesn’t make time to see you at all on a particular Friday evening.Ouch…right? Well, it just depends.
If this is one case out of many, you’re probably being way too sensitive. After all, oversensitivity leads to over thinking; and over thinking leads to needless anxiety and even low self-esteem.
It’s tough to deny; we all probably do it at some point or another. Sensitivity, in itself, is a key element of any healthy relationship, romantic or not. The better we can relate and lend an ear to another, the stronger our emotional ties can become. But everyone can get a little too in touch with their feelings at times. Here are some situations you might find yourself in on a regular basis.
Situation one
Your boyfriend comes over to see you, but he’s distant and quiet. You try to talk to him about your day, but he’s sticking to one-word answers and staring off into space. He’s totally disinterested.
This is the point where you should attempt to find out the root of the issue. If he’s not typically this way when he’s around you, maybe his behavior has nothing to do with you. We females naturally internalize his lack of response or enthusiasm as “He doesn’t like me” or “I did something wrong.”
This is the biggest mistake we can make. Ask him how his day was or how he’s feeling, and you’ll either discover the root of the issue or he’ll say he doesn’t want to talk about it. Respect his response, and patiently wait until he’s ready to talk. After all, you’ve had bad days before, too. And I’m sure your man heard about it.
Situation two
Your boyfriend breaks up with you unexpectedly, and never really gives you much of a reason.
Unfortunately, all of us will probably experience as least one rejection or “dumping” in our life. It’s a necessary experience that opens our eyes to the realities of dating and eventually helps us grow in security and confidence. In this case, it obviously seems personal. He’s not just having a bad day. He really doesn’t want to be with you, and that might be a slap in the face at first.
But in the end, it’s most likely not because you didn’t have a perfect figure, fussed at him occasionally or made mistakes. It’s about his insecurities in the relationship- his struggles, fears and doubts. Remember, he’s the one who wants to break up, not you. So let him go without a fight, without doubt, and don’t engage in hours of worthless self-abuse for something you didn’t do or didn’t say. Though sensitivity is the immediate reaction on your part, he’s not sitting around thinking about you after he walks away. So, respond with the same insensitivity in this case.
Situation three
Your friends promise you they’re going to come to your birthday party or get-together, but they never show and never make a phone call. Or, they call at the last minute.
This is something one must deal with her entire life. This classic situation requires a constant refocus on the motives behind this type of behavior so as not to feel hurt. Even my mother experiences this with women in their forties and fifties, and she searches for affirmation and encouragement from me, even as a much younger woman.
Maybe it’s because they’re tired and just want some alone time or special night with their significant other. Or maybe they got distracted and forgot. C’mon now, is it really because they don’t “like you?” It’s doubtful. Perhaps it’s not about their opinion of you, but a matter of poor manners or a lack of personal organization on their part. And if they lie to you about their plans, it’s possible they’re just afraid to hurt your feelings. Regardless, you don’t want them there if they don’t want to be there, right?
The first step is always to step back and put your particular situation into perspective. It’s not always easy when you’re personally involved, but ask the help of a well-grounded and possibly older friend who has been there. Ask, “Am I taking this the wrong way?”
But what if a person makes a derogatory comment directed solely at you? What’s the appropriate reaction? They might be making it personal, but don’t give them the luxury of knowing you’re peeved or offended. Simply brush it off your back like a little fly you barely noticed. It’s inevitable you’re going to disagree with people, so accept it now and be prepared for disagreement, especially if you’re more on the opinionated side.
An annoyed Kathleen Kelly played by actress Meg Ryan said in the film You’ve Got Mail, “And what’s so wrong with being personal, anyway? Whatever else anything else is, it ought to begin by being personal.”
We females thrive on being deeply connected and emotionally close. When someone denies us of that feeling, it shrouds us in doubt and concern.
Remember this, ladies. Sometimes, “It’s not personal. It’s business,” as Tom Hanks’ character Joe Fox says. In regard to men especially, they don’t make other plans, spend the night alone or even run us out of business (as Tom Hanks does) simply to tick us off.
Ok, maybe it’s not always “business,” per say, but bottom line is it’s not always about us.
Don’t let a busy friend, an ex boyfriend or a sarcastic comment erode your self-esteem. Move forward.
Kristin Larmore, graduate of Appalachian State University, has learned the art of patience in all types of relationships over the last four years in college. Her motto is to let it bounce right off. Though her strengths and interests lie in food and health topics, she finds relationship writing occasionally intriguing.
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